I’m weird with kids, I know I am.
I don’t know if it’s because I don’t have much of a maternal instinct. Or if I feel like I’m under a certain pressure to act a certain way when other people are around - like they’re even waiting for that maternal thing to finally bounce into my system. And maybe it’s just awkward because I know it won’t.

Kenadee woke up crying five minutes ago. It’s 5am. And instead of just ignoring it, like maybe I should have done, I walked into what use to be my room (and is now hers) and picked her up. After holding her for a bit and telling her that not only did she have to go back to bed, but Aunt Ashley had to go to sleep too and couldn’t do that if she stayed awake, she finally put away her stubbornness and laid down. I tucked her in and after she told me she loved me the fear slipped away.

I realize that what just happened probably did more for me then I did for her. Which.. kind of makes me sad. I feel like I can’t quite help myself. Holding another person is not something I can get a chance to do much of. Really, I’ve went incredibly long periods of time without much physical contact from another person other then the occasional hug and it’s starting to feel like starvation, lately. 

Lack of contact is dehumanizing. 
And my heart is sad.

17 Oct. 2013 

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11 Sept.

It’s weird,
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my ex’s. They’ve been showing up in my dreams on top of it. And I’m not sure I understand, entirely. I think it’s mostly an urge of revenge for their dishonesty. I hold so much contempt inside that I haven’t been able to get rid of.

I’m tired of never being able to let things go. 

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My body is tired
and it feels hung-over
and my brain wants improvement
and my body just wants rest
and days off aren’t enough
rest doesn’t mean what it use to

Rest is in movement
in miles and kilometers and speed
and in things I never seem to be able to reach

2 Sept 13

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Parallel. Let’s make this a parallel tomorrow.

there’s something lacking
there’s something lacking
there’s something lacking 
there’s something lacking…

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I thought it might have been the way, once. Because I was good at it. I’m still good at it. I could easily bring new, innovative ideas to the table. Smart, simple solutions others couldn’t see.

I’m good at business. I understand business.

But if there’s anything I’m really beginning to learn and feel,
it’s that I don’t think I’m going to be sticking with Pepsi Co. very long.
It’s a stepping stone. 

13 Mar.

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(Source: Spotify)

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I miss this night, this place.Please bring me back home.

Patient and steadfast. 

7 Mar.

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